Smitten

Ghosts. 

Loving this. 

Really 

Really 

Loving this.

Blissful Exhaustion

This morning I feel… wonderful. Part of me was about to avoid blogging, as I am still unsure about all that has happened in the past seventy-two hours, and the other part of me is desperately wanting and trying to stand in the posture of my own commitment… commitment to my self. Why do I stop to wonder or consider how this is going to sound to other people? This is my life, and I owe it to myself to be honest and present in this moment. No more lies no more bullshit. I am exhausted. I have spent the last couple of days cleaning out my head and my home and it feels divine. I need sleep and warmth and a cuddle with my dog, maybe a hot chocolate and a brownie under a blanket with a good book. I feel clear and focused. I feel like I am back on the red road. I have no idea where this next chapter is going, but the last chapter has been completed, and sent off to the publishers. All done. Changes are happening so fast, and yet I am still somehow managing to be logical, and making sound reasonable decisions, even in the middle of extreme emotional disruption and turbulence. This is growth for me. I feel so blessed and so close to the father. I am at peace and I am loved and I am acting with integrity and honesty. Wow, shit is crazy man. One right decision, and everything else falls into place.  

Wild & Wonderful

When I finally lay down my false masks and ask the Creator to be present, magical things happen. It has always been that way for me. I could tell you stories of White Lions, and Stay Put Lipsticks that would probably have you thinking I am half crazy and the other half full of shit, and maybe one day I will. For now all you need to know is that I have been in an incredible fog for over two months; a fog full of fear and doubt and some occasional forms of self medication that are none to healthy for any human spirit. That is until yesterday when I finally did one right thing, and then another. This morning, unable to sleep I turn to read other bloggers; women I adore, women who have carried me through the rough spots time and time again. Enjoying getting caught up on all that I have missed in their lives has been a complete gift and a total blessing over the past few days. I was not disappointed. Anne, you simply are my fucking hero, you are tough and graceful, full spirited and incapable of bullshit (and yes, I have said that before), thank you for today's early morning blessing. As always, you have carried me through and for that I am forever grateful. 

Anne posted a couple of lines from this poem and then she posted the entire poem. I had to go and find out about the author who I am sure you'll recognize and love as I was immediately smitten with those few simple yet powerful lines. In the process of searching her out, I found some incredible art, and some other wonderful blogs. If time is on your side today, take a moment to browse, you most definitely will not be disappointed.

Wild Geese 

 

You do not have to be good. 


You do not have to walk on your knees 
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 


You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves. 


Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 


Meanwhile the world goes on. 


Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. 


Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Hearts In The Park

Mijo and I strolled down to the park today. All of the leaves have fallen off the trees and they stand there bare, while the ground is covered in what looks like crimson red hearts. Although I did not have my camera with me, Mijo and I did manage to bring some home with us. Finding ‘Hearts in the Park’ seemed somehow strangely fitting today. We brought them home, dried them, ironed them in wax paper, and now they are setting at the bottom of a large pile of heavy magazines waiting to become something that will forever remind me of this time, the growing that took place, and the gifts that I was granted. I am truly blessed.  

My Father's Presence

Today I took time out to love my books. If you know what this means to me, then you’ve been around for a while. If you don’t then let me fill you in. Loving my books means taking one bookshelf apart, dusting all the books, and reorganizing them in some new fashion that I make up in my head. I allow myself to think back (or try to, memory fails me all to often) to the first time I read that book, or to the day I bought the book. I try to remember where I was at, what I was feeling and what was going on around me. Books are such a comfort to me; I fall in love with their covers, with the feel of their pages, with the fresh bright sweet smelling newness or the dingy, yellow musty smelling oldness. Books make my skin feel warm and invite me to immediately feel better about being me. Books beg me to love them with all their imperfections, and occasionally they love me back in ways that only the most intimate of lovers can understand. Books tell me that I am doing ok, that I am getting through this life, that ‘everyting gon be aire sista, you just sit back and let Ja do da work girl‘.  When I take the time out to love my books, I am reminded of books I have purchased for other people for friends, if you are female and have ever received anything from me by Maya or Iyanla, if we’ve ever sat and discussed these incredible women over coffee, then you are truly kindred and in these moments I remember you. If you have read anything by Joyce Carol Oates or Carol Shields, then maybe we crossed paths in a past life. If you know Clarissa and have personally run with wolves then we are sisters (or possibly brothers) and our blood runs thick, pulsates throughout the universe seeking out knowledge and change. If you have read ‘I Qualify’ found on page 141 of the 5^th edition and related even when you thought after reading the first paragraph that you wouldn’t then we my friend are family.  If you have ever started to read a book like The Shack and then stopped part way through and started over several times because you didn’t want it to end, then we are definitely peas in a pod. If you love books, if you love soulful connections, if you love the thoughts and words of those who dare to create around you, then I offer up my humble and gracious thanks, for if people like you didn’t demand that the world create, people like me wouldn’t have moments like these. Sheer bliss, sweet sweet happiness, contentment and joy, peace of mind and spirit, and the feeling that God is sitting in my living room, arm around my shoulder as I snuggle in and cry, allowing all my sorrows and fears to be soothed and calmed, while the Father gently whispers, I love you kid, and you are perfect just as you are.